iml

In my life 
There are so many questions and answers  
That somehow seem wrong  
In my life  
There are times when I catch in the silence  
The sigh of a faraway song 
And it sings 
Of a world that I long to see  
Out of reach 
Just a whisper away  
Waiting for me!
Does he know I'm alive? 
Do I know if he's real?  
Does he see what I saw? 
Does he feel what I feel?
In my life 
I'm no longer alone  
Now the love in my life 
Is so near 
Find me now, find me here!

change

it feels different and i think we both know it.
is this change for the better or..?
are we starting to take each other for granted? we used to be so happy out with each other and it was obvious on our faces. now it feels like.. just another day, another few hours out with each other.. and the weird and MOST IMPORTANT thing is.. i am not speaking for myself.
i appreciate you coming down after tuition to take me out for icecream today, i enjoyed talking to you over a bowl of icecream and cake. but i dont know if it is just "bf duty" or an obligation to you.

if it feels forced, i rather you not do anything. who would like the feeling of going out with someone who just goes out with you coz they are obliged and not actually interested? of course if that person is desperate for some company or are just thick-skinned then yeah. i think they wouldnt mind.

then they'd tell me not to compare. what's wrong with comparing now with the past? its not like i compared our rs with other people's. i still make the effort to make sure i remember to thank you after we go out coz i just want you to know i dont take you for granted.. i know that i get more upset, but isnt that because of expectations as time goes by? it would be weird if expectations got lower as we get to know each other better - our likes, dislikes etc, right?
and i still wish you sounded as excited to talk to me as you were last time.. why dont we have crazy convos anymore? is it coz im just too tired and lazy to try and be witty with you nowadays? and you are too lazy to add smileys and sweet talk?

i dont know, you never answer my questions when we meet. it seems like school, students and tuitions are the main bulk of our convo now. i dont even want to try talking about us anymore. it seems that you always think im questioning you so ive pretty much given up trying, hoping and waiting.

Past

1. We all have our pasts. We may even have secrets that can never be told. And i think it is very understandable that everyone has at least one or two of those. Then it brings me to wonder ,"why dont you hide anything from him? Why do people have so many deep dark secrets but you are such an open book?" is there something wrong with me or what? I just dont understand why people keep so many secrets but i just have none. I mean, ok those that are none of other's business, they wont know. But to the person i want to spend the rest of my life with, i really dont want to hide anything from him at all. I have nothing to hide and i tell him even when he doesnt ask.
Being like this have gotten me into a big mess but i still strongly believe in not hiding any thing from someone you really love. So yeah, thats me. An open book. Im just not sure if Im appreciated for being so darn honest.

2. As ive mentioned before, a certain amount of communication is needed in any relationship. Even between normal friends. The lack of communication can bring much misunderstanding and upset another. Which is what i do not want. I clarify things to prevent or at least lower the possibilty of having communication breakdown leading to unhappiness. Clarifying something is quite different from questioning. Questioning seems more towards the side of interrogating, which im not doing. Right? Let me know if you feel so. It may be my tone or just the way i put my point across. 

3. I probably need to learn to let go of your past. Taking over your phone was FUCKING traumatising. So much so im so miserable now i cant sleep. In addition to the fact that my rooamates are not as conservative as us singaporeans. Plus, im sleeping on the floor with a sleeping bag. Im so so miserable right now and i just wish you were here so bad. ):

4. Im hoping nobody comes here but you coz i just scolded a vulgar word. But i dont care. Sigh. Where is the clarissa i know?

5. Really really tired from today's run with you. So proud of us haha completed 15km plus 30storeys climb with a reasonably good timing with barely any proper trng. And! Its also our first running competition together. It was really fun and i enjoyed myself tremendously even tho point 2 about race kit and not telling me anth about what was inside so i did not have to wear an uncomfy jersey pissed me off for a while.. Anw. My legs are so screwed tmr.

6. Instead of threatening, i suggest you come up with a better tactic "to make things simpler". All my best friends know that threats do not work on me as youve found out today.

7. Im tired and hungry, sad and miserable.

8. Goodnight world.

9. I love you, skje.

consistent

randomly chanced upon this poem. Isn't really the best but it has the essence of what I wanted to write about tonight.

me: *sings* baby you light up my world like nobody else..
binks: i do?

me: mm.. yeahh but only sometimes. 

i mean, are we really consistent? do we make each other happy every single time? are we able to spring random surprises on each other every day? can be happy and in a good mood all day? do we always agree with each other? do we always feel happy about everything the other person is doing? i highly doubt it, but of course, if you are able to find someone who is that consistent, im happy for you. maybe the inconsistency isnt as extreme as being nice one day, and ignoring you the next, but it just frustrates me that at times, i notice slight attitude changes a few times a day, that arent exactly positive ones. 

consistency is, at times, needed. as a couple. we change for each other (im hoping this is so) and together, create an identity as a couple. with this identity, we are actually sort of depending on each other for our own identity. this is probably where consistency is needed. when we are unable to predict the behavior of the other party, we are not able to identify with him/her which ultimately affects this "identity" as a couple and is seen as a threat because we find ourselves at a loss as to how best to react to such changes. worse still, when they do not communicate the reason behind these little "inconsistencies". how frustrating, right? we are then left guessing if we did or said something wrong or that the other party is just bored of us talking all the time, or maybe he/she is just tired. it is really not funny when you're the one playing the "guessing game".

after all these, i truly believe that communication and consistency in a relationship is essential if the couple wants the relationship to work out and puts in the effort to make it work, obviously. 

Little things in love

Sometimes a little smile, sometimes a little glare,
is what makes me feel you will always take care,
Sometimes a few words, sometimes a little touch,
is what tells me why i do love you so much.

Sometimes a little silence, sometimes a little kiss,
is what tells me the things i love and dearly miss,
Sometimes a helping hand, sometimes a little tear,
is what assures me, in sadness you will always be near.

Sometime a little walk beside me, when I'm in happiness,
assures me you will walk in front when there is darkness,
Sometimes a little prayer, sometimes a little fight,
is what makes our life beautiful each and every night.

sometimes a little separation, sometimes a little together,
is what assures me our love will last forever.
Sometimes a little fear, sometimes a little lie,
is what tells me you will always love even if i die,

these little things is what brightens up our face,
true love happens only if these things takes place,
in love-these things takes only little time, little heart,
to tell you're mine and I'm yours and we will never depart. 

-unknown

1. Valentine

Successfully carried out my little vday morning surprise for binks! (:
A super early breakfast in bed at 730am was especially yummy (even though it was just macs delivery) eating it together with you.
Then, we had to go to sch.. and had tons of assignments to complete.
I'm happy to have cancelled tuition that day. It was a special day after all, right? :P
A super random pastamania delivery at 10pm (coz we weren't hungry at dinner time) was smth we've never done before and pretty spontaneous, I must say.

Finally laying my head on your chest and falling asleep wrapped up this special and awesome day. (:

I understood the importance one's company when we went on babe's pre-planned belated vday dinner at some new restaurant/bar. Haha the food was alright, the service was soooo slow and bad, they didn't even have enough staff, took so long to take orders, didn't have proper printed receipt, small portions of food which took forever and their "random alcohol mix" tasted so bad and I swear every single person at the place was so annoyed some even confronted the "manager" haha but despite all these, I was having an awesome awesome time and those stuff didn't matter to me (not as much as it would if I were alone). I wasn't even feeling irritated though I was starving. I was just... happy. Happy to be spending vday with my favourite boy and treasuring what's left of the night (after a day of school and tuition). Watching a late night movie and snuggling up with you was great fun.
Never wanted the night to end.
Thank you for making this the best vday ever. I truly had a wonderful time (:
XOXO.

Excitement

So excited for tmr! Hope everything goes smoothly! (:

promises

prom·ise  (prms)

n.

1.

a. A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; a vow.

b. Something promised.

2. Indication of something favorable to come; expectation: a promise of spring in the air.

3. Indication of future excellence or success: a player of great promise.

v. prom·ised, prom·is·ing, prom·is·es

v.tr.

1. To commit oneself by a promise to do or give; pledge: left but promised to return.

2. To afford a basis for expecting: thunderclouds that promise rain.

v.intr.

1. To make a declaration assuring that something will or will not be done.

2. To afford a basis for expectation: an enterprise that promises well.

we show love for each other by (among many things) making and keeping promises in the relationship. they can come in all shapes- from day-to-day behavior eg “i promise i’ll treat you better,” to concrete and specific tasks like “i promise to call you later,” and grand gestures such as “i’ll travel across the world just to see you!” romantic promises can easily make one feel like the other truly loves and cares for them. one who is promised something gets positive feelings, and if that promise is kept, the relationship is often strengthened. the risk is what happens when that promise is not fulfilled, or broken. however, once a promise is made, it’s really willpower that steers the behavior. many a times, love causes people to lead with feelings but not follow through. there might be an expectation of an ambitious and difficult promise to prove that love. while we desire to please each other, not everyone is good at time management (love may make the promise, but willpower keeps it). promises are comprised of verbal intent and task completion. being ambitious but having little self-discipline may not be enough to fulfill promises.
i guess a person cannot simply judge how much your partner loves you based on their ability to fulfill promises. it may be that your partner’s love may be fueling him/her to over-promise and hence, let you down.
however,  if we aim to have a relationship based on trust, we have to be consistent. we cannot get lazy, complacent, take each other for granted, or treat each other like shit (eg. turning off the phone, ignoring phone calls) because we think the other person will always be there. are you choosing then to contaminate or contribute to the relationship? sometimes we have to make an extra effort to show our partner that you are worthy of their trust, especially if they were hurt before. there may be times when you are tired or busy and you really don’t feel like following through or keeping your word. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but what are you trying to tell your partner by your inaction? well, simply this, "you’re not important, you’re not a priority to me." receiving that message doesn’t feel good and it hurts especially if your partner genuinely really cares.
it's very rare to find someone now who understands that a promise is a priority to get something done. and if you find them, treasure them. they are an endangered species.
and if you unfortunately have a partner who has a problem keeping promises, you can choose to live with it, or not.
me, i'm wearing thin and i dont think i deserve any of these i'm getting. no one does.
i don't even know why i'm writing all these logical and unbiased views when i'm feeling so unappreciated and tossed aside. i really don't. i do not deserve your mean words, i do not deserve being ignored. i do deserve a better person though. shrugs. we both made a mystaque.

drop

fact of life:
a rollercoaster cannot keep going upwards. it has to come back down sometime.
and then.. finally come to a stop.

disappointing response.
well, what was i expecting?

Tears and joy?

Happiness.
What is it?
To me, it is (not in any particular order) :
1. Going to bed every night (ok, 5/7days) with a goodnight kiss from him.
2. When he whispers 'I love you' and kisses me randomly at 3am just coz.
3. Cooking lunches and dinners together and enjoying the company, no matter how the food turned out. :P (even if we sit on the floor and it's spaghetti again)
4. Having plans for the future and discussing them with each other. (I.e. plotting escape plan)
5. Being dragged out of bed for a run or cycle at 6.30am in the morning JUST COZ.
6. Discussing the different races to take part in, together, Singapore and overseas.
7. Sharing a bowl of ramen when everyone else is eating one bowl by themselves coz that's how tiny people roll.
8. Interchanging colourful pe clothes with each other and not having to worry about difference in sizing.
9. When he puts his arms around me and shows the world that I'm his and that he is proud of me.
10. Dropping random surprise bombs (good ones obviously) on me such as:
i) fixing my phone screen
ii) ordering new livestrong bands for us when he accidentally broke mine
iii) saying he wanted to buy me raybans but didn't dare coz he was unsure of the fitting
iv) cooking breakfast and bringing it over for me
v) BUYING ME A ROAD BIKE!! (Like OMG)
11. Knowing that this isn't the honeymoon phase anymore and we are both putting in the effort.
12. Him telling me that he is serious and knowing it myself.
13. Seeing his smile and hearing his laughter.
14. Laughing about anything in the world.
15. Making up random, retarded, ridiculous stories about how smth came about eg. A zebra.

There are so much more to write about but I really got to get to bed.
It's been a really awesome day. God has been so good to me and I am really grateful.  

I never in my life would have expected to be given something like this. I've pretty much given up on hoping for a bike that I can love and call my own. A bike that fits and that I'm proud of. Today marks the end of wishing for that because I've gotten the most perfect baby ever.
It took me a long while to register what was going on. I stepped into the bike shop with binks and he started smiling at me, with THAT cheeky smile on his face(can't even describe haha) while hinting to me to look in the direction of a bike. First, I recognised the bike (wrongly) coz of the red and black handlebars. Then I noticed that the frame looked different and thought to myself that he might have done something, which I had no idea what, to it. Next, I noticed the freaking brand on the frame was argon18. "Oh. That isn't his bike! Probably just the same coloured handlebar. So where's his bike?" And looked around somemore.
Whatever happened next happened in a blur. I don't know how it happened but somehow it hit me that that stranger's bike was MINE. He probably told me? Subtly? I really can't remember exactly. That was how shocked a state I was in. I was happy. But it still hadn't sunken in. I know at that point I went, "what? That's mine?? Huh? Really??? THIS bike?? Are you serious?!" And the whole time I was in this confused state, he was just there smiling away and the bike shop uncle was just laughing. Pfft.
When it finally did sink in, I had to control my tears of joy coz a bike shop is not exactly an appropriate place to cry at? AHHHH. Why is it so difficult to put it down in words when I want to! Bottomline is.. I'm now the happiest girl in the world (again) and also the sleepiest. Thank you love for assuring me and for all the time the effort you put into choosing the most perfectest bike for me. I appreciate every single thing. I love the bike so much! But not more than you so don't worry! :P

nites

''goodnight, love. i love you'' is always the sweetest sentence i'd hear before dozing off to sleep.
so.. as you're sleeping now, i just whispered a "night dear." but you prolly couldnt /didnt hear it. well, you will get to read it heehee. tmr.

blinded

we're all blinded by love.
let's not care about what others think because we're happy as we are. even though the whole damn world is saying 'no'. one 'yes' and that's all that matters.
i know how it feels like, so no matter how much i dont like it, i shall shut up and just wait for the day i can say 'i told you so' and have you agreeing with me. like how mummy waited to say it to me all the other times. this shall be another time. but this time, it wont be me she's saying 'i told you so' to, but to you.
im done with her 'i told you so's. and this time, binks and i, we'll not let her say it.

heartbeat

for that 30 seconds as i put my arms around his neck, let my head rest on his shoulders and as he placed his arms around my waist, as if reading each other's minds, our feet moved from side to side in tandem. we were slow dancing without any accompanying music. i closed my eyes hoping to savour that serene moment for as long as i could and smiled to myself as i smelt his familiar smell. it was a special moment i never wanted to end.

dancing together requires cooperation, compromise, submission, and unity which pretty much sounds like how a relationship ought to be. for us to be in sync with each other, we must first be willing to make some changes in our thinking and perhaps also in our attitudes. we need to accept that no matter how much we know, or we think we know, there are some things that the other party can be of assistance with and complement what we have. as i leaned against him, i knew that he will be my support and pillar of strength when things get tough, when i may not have the strength to carry on. just as in dancing whereby the guy leads and the woman follows, i know that in this relationship, i should learn to go with the flow and let him take the lead. as we moved, i got my cues from his movement and simply let myself follow his lead. we need to realise that we both need put down the cup of ego and pick up the cup of humility, both learning to submit and compromise sometimes.

many different moves are made in a relationship, but they are not always in sync with each other. if both parties are going in opposing directions or are unaware of each other, stepping on each other's toes will be inevitable. as in a relationship, we should remain aware of each other's needs and wants and not allow our selfish desires to ruin the beautiful dance. like how a good dancer is willing to learn so as to perform well, one's dance is affected by how much effort one puts in to accept change and make the necessary changes to enhance the relationship. If the dancer steps out of time, or makes a mistake, it is the responsibility of the dancer to accept, take ownership and rectify that wrong move in order to improve. as such, when one realises one's mistake, one should take the advise of the other party and continually learn to improve. the other party also has a part to play in remaining patient and guiding his/her partner so that their dance, as a couple, can be perfected, together.