ive sorta accepted it. its sinking in quite well i guess. I know all these are God's plan. Although i dont really know what He is doing, I'll leave it to Him and just believe. Thanks for the letters and encouragement. Thanks also for trying to do something bout it. I appreciate all your little acts of concern. alot alot. thanks a million, people! LOVE YAS! :D
wenloong gave me a verse. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
Then when i listened to my friend's mp3, the first song i heard was this.
The potter's hand
Hillsong United
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful savior
I know for sure all of my days are held in your hands
Crafted into your perfect plans
You gently called me into your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life
Through your eyes
I'm captured by your holy calling
Set me apart. I know you're drawing me to yourself
lead me, Lord. I pray
Oh Take me, mold me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the potter's hand
Oh Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the potter's hand
when i heard that sentence, I really knew it was God's plan for me. So yeah. ITS OKAYYY! hahaha! (:
can't you just say;
dont make me wait leh
Friday, April 27
Thursday, April 26
TRYING to LOOK alright
yeah. i tried! came to school smiling as usual. did some work. thanks norman! hahahaha! eehh.. actually.. i still dont understand. hahah! will ask him again tmr. nvm. haha!
civics breakfast. i was ok. quite alright. only until mrw told us to do something. I couldnt do it! As much as i wanted to, i couldnt bring myself to pick up the pen and just write. when it was my turn, the thing i loved so much ( i've never loved doing something as much as i did until this year) and how it is all gone now, just came back to me. i realised its all gone. gone. just like that. whats there to write? i dont know what happened to the paper now. its probably still empty. or maybe someone helped me to write? -shrugs. dont know, dont wanna know, dont care. lol.
was still crying when i realised my pw group were discussing pw and didnt call me coz they didnt want to disturb me. so i just went over sobbing. they cheered me up immediately. so nice right. hahaha.
sw was damn nice too! (: thanks for the jacket! LT is damn cold! ugh. make me so sleepyy. hahahaha.
after class went RI canteen. then did pw until bout 4 plus. wanted to go bandj's with tiff and drey, as we agreed. but tiff had pw too, so just studied in the canteen with drey, wl, nic and ben (left earlier). wanted to go there just to look at them. i will sooo miss all of them lah. only can watch, cannot join. sad sia. ):
the busride back with ( )was super super funny! ( ) said something damn funny. omg. i bet if i look at # tmr, i will not stop laughing. ( ), you know who you are! hahahah! as promised, i shant quote ( ). later tmr ( ) kill me. hahahah! omg omg! HAHAHAHAHA!!
i just wanted to look for you;
missed ya
civics breakfast. i was ok. quite alright. only until mrw told us to do something. I couldnt do it! As much as i wanted to, i couldnt bring myself to pick up the pen and just write. when it was my turn, the thing i loved so much ( i've never loved doing something as much as i did until this year) and how it is all gone now, just came back to me. i realised its all gone. gone. just like that. whats there to write? i dont know what happened to the paper now. its probably still empty. or maybe someone helped me to write? -shrugs. dont know, dont wanna know, dont care. lol.
was still crying when i realised my pw group were discussing pw and didnt call me coz they didnt want to disturb me. so i just went over sobbing. they cheered me up immediately. so nice right. hahaha.
sw was damn nice too! (: thanks for the jacket! LT is damn cold! ugh. make me so sleepyy. hahahaha.
after class went RI canteen. then did pw until bout 4 plus. wanted to go bandj's with tiff and drey, as we agreed. but tiff had pw too, so just studied in the canteen with drey, wl, nic and ben (left earlier). wanted to go there just to look at them. i will sooo miss all of them lah. only can watch, cannot join. sad sia. ):
the busride back with ( )was super super funny! ( ) said something damn funny. omg. i bet if i look at # tmr, i will not stop laughing. ( ), you know who you are! hahahah! as promised, i shant quote ( ). later tmr ( ) kill me. hahahah! omg omg! HAHAHAHAHA!!
i just wanted to look for you;
missed ya
Wednesday, April 25
POOF. gone. whee.
THATS IT. hahahahah! GONE! oh no. better watch what i blog. many eyes. ooooohhh....
nvm. maybe thats what God wants for me. I know He only wants the best for me. and maybe.. this is the best.
A verse came into my head as i thought about it and alllllll the things that will soon change.
" And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
and i felt that God was telling me that He has everything planned out and that he will not let me go through something i am not able to bear with. So yeah. i'll just take it as it comes. i'll just need to think what im supposed to do now. the embarrasment sucks though. I know that God will pull me through this and that He will always be by my side no matter what. I wont let this affect my studies. I will survive! hahahahah!
"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." Nahum 1:7
Yes. A refuge in times of trouble. I know I can turn to Him whenever I need help. Thank you, Lord, for always being there for me. Even when I strayed from You, You never left me, instead you kept trying to bring me back to your path. Thank you for guiding me all the way. I will put my trust in you and just have faith in whatever you are doing. Please give me the strength to face my problems. Thank you also for giving me friends that care. I love you, Father. In your name I pray, Amen.
Needed to forget bout everything that happened, so took cab down with tiff and drey to ''the cage'' to play soccer with some of the x- guys. just needed to kick something. hahaha. and also wanted to spend more time with the x- ppl. was treasuring every moment with them. that little time spent with them meant alot to me.
Thanks for the hugs! really appreciate them! (:
Thanks for trying to cheer me up and not make it seem as bad as it looks! (:
and thanks for letting me see the brighter side of things! (:
Love you all!
ps. these are to different ppl.
eh oh yeah. dont worry ppl, i wont kill myself or anything. its just a small matter. i can handle it.
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped." Psalm 28:7
I will not falter coz the Lord is my strength. cry, yes. give up, absolutely NOT. oh yeah. (:
this song is in my head now.
Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, You’re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on You
I call out to You, again and again
I call out to You, again and again
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone
thanks for trying so hard;
appreciate it!
nvm. maybe thats what God wants for me. I know He only wants the best for me. and maybe.. this is the best.
A verse came into my head as i thought about it and alllllll the things that will soon change.
" And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
and i felt that God was telling me that He has everything planned out and that he will not let me go through something i am not able to bear with. So yeah. i'll just take it as it comes. i'll just need to think what im supposed to do now. the embarrasment sucks though. I know that God will pull me through this and that He will always be by my side no matter what. I wont let this affect my studies. I will survive! hahahahah!
"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." Nahum 1:7
Yes. A refuge in times of trouble. I know I can turn to Him whenever I need help. Thank you, Lord, for always being there for me. Even when I strayed from You, You never left me, instead you kept trying to bring me back to your path. Thank you for guiding me all the way. I will put my trust in you and just have faith in whatever you are doing. Please give me the strength to face my problems. Thank you also for giving me friends that care. I love you, Father. In your name I pray, Amen.
Needed to forget bout everything that happened, so took cab down with tiff and drey to ''the cage'' to play soccer with some of the x- guys. just needed to kick something. hahaha. and also wanted to spend more time with the x- ppl. was treasuring every moment with them. that little time spent with them meant alot to me.
Thanks for the hugs! really appreciate them! (:
Thanks for trying to cheer me up and not make it seem as bad as it looks! (:
and thanks for letting me see the brighter side of things! (:
Love you all!
ps. these are to different ppl.
eh oh yeah. dont worry ppl, i wont kill myself or anything. its just a small matter. i can handle it.
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped." Psalm 28:7
I will not falter coz the Lord is my strength. cry, yes. give up, absolutely NOT. oh yeah. (:
this song is in my head now.
Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, You’re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on You
I call out to You, again and again
I call out to You, again and again
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone
thanks for trying so hard;
appreciate it!
Saturday, April 21
thanks for being there. im sorry.
210407 Sat
this post is meant for yesterday, but some toot switched off the com. so yeah. i have to repeat everything again. only this time it will be shorter.
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to all winners in the Interschool xc on wed and aquathlon today! Secondly, I would also like to say a BIG SORRY to the team, to all the supporters who came all the way to turf city, to mrq, mrt and msl, to all the seniors who ran the last four years, to my friends, and most of all to RJC. sorry for screwing up in THE race. sorry for letting all the seniors down, after four years of championship title. sorry for wasting all the supporters' time, and sorry for letting mrq,mrt and msl down. im sorry.
its like OVER?! already?! four months ago it seemed such a long time more. then it became three months then two then ONE! then 3 more weeks! then two! then one! omg. its so fast. soon we were counting down the days. (i guess this is the part i should delete?)
then on the day itself, i woke up thinking," OMG! its TODAY?!!" time passed sooo slowly in school. like was counting the hours. then we reached the race site. was counting down the minutes. like wth. at the start point was thinking," 20mins and it will be OVER!" and after i realised i was going to race the race that meant so much to us i was like," its NOW?! omg. its NOW!" but i didnt feel ready. so not. it felt as if i was going to do an easy run, except that there was just abit more stress. i just couldnt put stress on myself that day.(i thrive under pressure. HAHAAHA) i kept on telling myself that this was THE race we've all been trng so hard for, and i cant let our seniors ,mrq and the rj supporters down.
but when the race started, i just couldnt push myself. I couldnt! like wth. this is a RACE man! i ended the race so full of regret. but its over now right. theres nothing i can do bout it anymore. ok. to cut it short, there were a few incidences which made me cry after that. 1) realised that i didnt do my best 2)when i saw the seniors walking toward us and i knew i've let them down 3)when i saw km.(he is a nice guy, and always asks how were our runs.)that day i just didnt want to tell him. 4) when mr q shook our hands (was controlling badly. didnt dare to look into his eyes) started crying when i turned ard. 5) when i saw our cross team including the guys. 6)when i saw mrt come down the stairs. (i couldnt take it anymore. i pulled nic to the toilet with me) 7)when the seniors came to see us. (this time i took the jacket to cover my face). 8) when km put his arms ard me.(i just let it all out lah)
(and maybe this too?) I told myself not to cry. that i couldnt.(hmm. this too?) but i just couldnt control anymore. its like, we really disappointed mr q. but he shook our hands anyway. i just couldnt take it. i wished he would just scold me like there was no tmr. then at least i would feel better. but nooo.. he smiled! and shook our hands. great. just great.
yeah. that many times. hahaha. alvin says im emo. IM NOT okay! its only that freakin day luh! hahaha! oh yeah. i wanna thank all the supporters and frens esp yujie for coming down all the way here. sorry for wasting your time. ):
sorry rjc.
you know we cant be together;
pls stop trying.
this post is meant for yesterday, but some toot switched off the com. so yeah. i have to repeat everything again. only this time it will be shorter.
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to all winners in the Interschool xc on wed and aquathlon today! Secondly, I would also like to say a BIG SORRY to the team, to all the supporters who came all the way to turf city, to mrq, mrt and msl, to all the seniors who ran the last four years, to my friends, and most of all to RJC. sorry for screwing up in THE race. sorry for letting all the seniors down, after four years of championship title. sorry for wasting all the supporters' time, and sorry for letting mrq,mrt and msl down. im sorry.
its like OVER?! already?! four months ago it seemed such a long time more. then it became three months then two then ONE! then 3 more weeks! then two! then one! omg. its so fast. soon we were counting down the days. (i guess this is the part i should delete?)
then on the day itself, i woke up thinking," OMG! its TODAY?!!" time passed sooo slowly in school. like was counting the hours. then we reached the race site. was counting down the minutes. like wth. at the start point was thinking," 20mins and it will be OVER!" and after i realised i was going to race the race that meant so much to us i was like," its NOW?! omg. its NOW!" but i didnt feel ready. so not. it felt as if i was going to do an easy run, except that there was just abit more stress. i just couldnt put stress on myself that day.(i thrive under pressure. HAHAAHA) i kept on telling myself that this was THE race we've all been trng so hard for, and i cant let our seniors ,mrq and the rj supporters down.
but when the race started, i just couldnt push myself. I couldnt! like wth. this is a RACE man! i ended the race so full of regret. but its over now right. theres nothing i can do bout it anymore. ok. to cut it short, there were a few incidences which made me cry after that. 1) realised that i didnt do my best 2)when i saw the seniors walking toward us and i knew i've let them down 3)when i saw km.(he is a nice guy, and always asks how were our runs.)that day i just didnt want to tell him. 4) when mr q shook our hands (was controlling badly. didnt dare to look into his eyes) started crying when i turned ard. 5) when i saw our cross team including the guys. 6)when i saw mrt come down the stairs. (i couldnt take it anymore. i pulled nic to the toilet with me) 7)when the seniors came to see us. (this time i took the jacket to cover my face). 8) when km put his arms ard me.(i just let it all out lah)
(and maybe this too?) I told myself not to cry. that i couldnt.(hmm. this too?) but i just couldnt control anymore. its like, we really disappointed mr q. but he shook our hands anyway. i just couldnt take it. i wished he would just scold me like there was no tmr. then at least i would feel better. but nooo.. he smiled! and shook our hands. great. just great.
yeah. that many times. hahaha. alvin says im emo. IM NOT okay! its only that freakin day luh! hahaha! oh yeah. i wanna thank all the supporters and frens esp yujie for coming down all the way here. sorry for wasting your time. ):
sorry rjc.
you know we cant be together;
pls stop trying.
Thursday, April 5
wasting time here
050407 Thu
feeling so... so.. i just dont know how to put it into words. its like.. sometimes i just want to scream out, "its not fair!" like a spoiled brat. life aint fair, i tell you. its not. why are some people just so lucky? why do they get what they want? ok forget it. im not here for this. im here for one thing. ok. maybe two things. i shouldnt let useless things distract me, right? ARGH! but they are constantly being thrown at me!! darn. im like soo arguing with myself. hahaha. STOP.
wonder if anyone else is feeling the same way i do right now.. sigh. OKOKOK! ENOUGH. fine.
the REAL clar: i need help. i'm seriously talking to myself. send me to IMH for checkup or something please. im just typing out everything thats going on in my head right now. O.o
on a lighter note, today was quite fun! school ended early! 1230! yay! went to maria's house tobake mix and melt some peanutbutter chocolate thing. super nice lah! but the previous batch she made was better. maybe we didnt add enough CHOCOLATE! :D yeah that must be it. chocolate. hahahah! yummeh! (: Played piano there. learnt alot. yay! satisfying man! hahah! maria can be my teacher already! hahaha.
AHH!! wait wait. PRISON BREAK NOW!
060407 Fri
prison break was good mann! hahah! they're so smart! anws! trng ytd was easy. haha. mrq was funny! i was wearing red shorts to run, and when audrey and i passed him,
mrq: wah! why your backside so red?!
drey: HUH?! what backside?! my backside?!
clar: -looks down at shorts. OH! its me lah! he's talking about me! argh! -turns back and grins widely at mrq.
couldnt stop laughing after that. hahahahah! btw, red is nice okay.
after trng went j8 with drey. bought bubble tea and slacked around at macs. went to buy green and white rubberbands for the '4 of us'! the black colour is supposed to come from our hair. so its like green, black and white. er.. lol?
TODAY! GOOD FRIDAY! went to church. service was good. after church, went out with cousins and our childhood best friend, nelson!(: quite fun! went arcade! and yongsheng treated all of us to rotiprata outside the church! thanks cuz! :D rushed home to meet drey at mrt, coz we invited by her friend to his church's Good Friday service. it was sooo crowded even though it was at expo. i thought it was big?! we had to sit in the overflow room! quite ok lah. after that went to their carnival. Thank God her friend bought tickets for us. and gave us FREE! so we had like $17 to eat. but it was shared between tiff, drey and i plus the food was ex.
actually, i just reached home. hahaha. oh and we were laughing like crazy in the mrt on the way back. it was crazy!! ok. trng tmr. going to sleep now. nites!
OH YES! Not before wishing PATCHIA, my favourite ex training buddy, a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
to patchia(if she comes here): I miss training with you. all the crazy times we had together eg. visiting alisa during cycling ''trainings'', going to your house to SWIM, play ddr and er..study? hahahah! i think we really bonded while we were in China. and the best. MACAU. hahha!! AUTOMATIC DOOR! bujiaolian fish! bujiaolian statue!! omg. im starting to recall all the happy
times we had. GARFIELD CHIA and ODDIE TAN :D
and elaine's funny sentence about us in macau " they go into a shop, laugh for 5mins and then come out!" -gives that 'huh' face. HAHAHAHAH! love ya! keep up the superb training man and keep improving! (:
cant stop thinking of you;
feeling so... so.. i just dont know how to put it into words. its like.. sometimes i just want to scream out, "its not fair!" like a spoiled brat. life aint fair, i tell you. its not. why are some people just so lucky? why do they get what they want? ok forget it. im not here for this. im here for one thing. ok. maybe two things. i shouldnt let useless things distract me, right? ARGH! but they are constantly being thrown at me!! darn. im like soo arguing with myself. hahaha. STOP.
wonder if anyone else is feeling the same way i do right now.. sigh. OKOKOK! ENOUGH. fine.
the REAL clar: i need help. i'm seriously talking to myself. send me to IMH for checkup or something please. im just typing out everything thats going on in my head right now. O.o
on a lighter note, today was quite fun! school ended early! 1230! yay! went to maria's house to
AHH!! wait wait. PRISON BREAK NOW!
060407 Fri
prison break was good mann! hahah! they're so smart! anws! trng ytd was easy. haha. mrq was funny! i was wearing red shorts to run, and when audrey and i passed him,
mrq: wah! why your backside so red?!
drey: HUH?! what backside?! my backside?!
clar: -looks down at shorts. OH! its me lah! he's talking about me! argh! -turns back and grins widely at mrq.
couldnt stop laughing after that. hahahahah! btw, red is nice okay.
after trng went j8 with drey. bought bubble tea and slacked around at macs. went to buy green and white rubberbands for the '4 of us'! the black colour is supposed to come from our hair. so its like green, black and white. er.. lol?
TODAY! GOOD FRIDAY! went to church. service was good. after church, went out with cousins and our childhood best friend, nelson!(: quite fun! went arcade! and yongsheng treated all of us to rotiprata outside the church! thanks cuz! :D rushed home to meet drey at mrt, coz we invited by her friend to his church's Good Friday service. it was sooo crowded even though it was at expo. i thought it was big?! we had to sit in the overflow room! quite ok lah. after that went to their carnival. Thank God her friend bought tickets for us. and gave us FREE! so we had like $17 to eat. but it was shared between tiff, drey and i plus the food was ex.
actually, i just reached home. hahaha. oh and we were laughing like crazy in the mrt on the way back. it was crazy!! ok. trng tmr. going to sleep now. nites!
OH YES! Not before wishing PATCHIA, my favourite ex training buddy, a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
to patchia(if she comes here): I miss training with you. all the crazy times we had together eg. visiting alisa during cycling ''trainings'', going to your house to SWIM, play ddr and er..study? hahahah! i think we really bonded while we were in China. and the best. MACAU. hahha!! AUTOMATIC DOOR! bujiaolian fish! bujiaolian statue!! omg. im starting to recall all the happy
times we had. GARFIELD CHIA and ODDIE TAN :D
and elaine's funny sentence about us in macau " they go into a shop, laugh for 5mins and then come out!" -gives that 'huh' face. HAHAHAHAH! love ya! keep up the superb training man and keep improving! (:
cant stop thinking of you;
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