Tears and joy?

Happiness.
What is it?
To me, it is (not in any particular order) :
1. Going to bed every night (ok, 5/7days) with a goodnight kiss from him.
2. When he whispers 'I love you' and kisses me randomly at 3am just coz.
3. Cooking lunches and dinners together and enjoying the company, no matter how the food turned out. :P (even if we sit on the floor and it's spaghetti again)
4. Having plans for the future and discussing them with each other. (I.e. plotting escape plan)
5. Being dragged out of bed for a run or cycle at 6.30am in the morning JUST COZ.
6. Discussing the different races to take part in, together, Singapore and overseas.
7. Sharing a bowl of ramen when everyone else is eating one bowl by themselves coz that's how tiny people roll.
8. Interchanging colourful pe clothes with each other and not having to worry about difference in sizing.
9. When he puts his arms around me and shows the world that I'm his and that he is proud of me.
10. Dropping random surprise bombs (good ones obviously) on me such as:
i) fixing my phone screen
ii) ordering new livestrong bands for us when he accidentally broke mine
iii) saying he wanted to buy me raybans but didn't dare coz he was unsure of the fitting
iv) cooking breakfast and bringing it over for me
v) BUYING ME A ROAD BIKE!! (Like OMG)
11. Knowing that this isn't the honeymoon phase anymore and we are both putting in the effort.
12. Him telling me that he is serious and knowing it myself.
13. Seeing his smile and hearing his laughter.
14. Laughing about anything in the world.
15. Making up random, retarded, ridiculous stories about how smth came about eg. A zebra.

There are so much more to write about but I really got to get to bed.
It's been a really awesome day. God has been so good to me and I am really grateful.  

I never in my life would have expected to be given something like this. I've pretty much given up on hoping for a bike that I can love and call my own. A bike that fits and that I'm proud of. Today marks the end of wishing for that because I've gotten the most perfect baby ever.
It took me a long while to register what was going on. I stepped into the bike shop with binks and he started smiling at me, with THAT cheeky smile on his face(can't even describe haha) while hinting to me to look in the direction of a bike. First, I recognised the bike (wrongly) coz of the red and black handlebars. Then I noticed that the frame looked different and thought to myself that he might have done something, which I had no idea what, to it. Next, I noticed the freaking brand on the frame was argon18. "Oh. That isn't his bike! Probably just the same coloured handlebar. So where's his bike?" And looked around somemore.
Whatever happened next happened in a blur. I don't know how it happened but somehow it hit me that that stranger's bike was MINE. He probably told me? Subtly? I really can't remember exactly. That was how shocked a state I was in. I was happy. But it still hadn't sunken in. I know at that point I went, "what? That's mine?? Huh? Really??? THIS bike?? Are you serious?!" And the whole time I was in this confused state, he was just there smiling away and the bike shop uncle was just laughing. Pfft.
When it finally did sink in, I had to control my tears of joy coz a bike shop is not exactly an appropriate place to cry at? AHHHH. Why is it so difficult to put it down in words when I want to! Bottomline is.. I'm now the happiest girl in the world (again) and also the sleepiest. Thank you love for assuring me and for all the time the effort you put into choosing the most perfectest bike for me. I appreciate every single thing. I love the bike so much! But not more than you so don't worry! :P

nites

''goodnight, love. i love you'' is always the sweetest sentence i'd hear before dozing off to sleep.
so.. as you're sleeping now, i just whispered a "night dear." but you prolly couldnt /didnt hear it. well, you will get to read it heehee. tmr.

blinded

we're all blinded by love.
let's not care about what others think because we're happy as we are. even though the whole damn world is saying 'no'. one 'yes' and that's all that matters.
i know how it feels like, so no matter how much i dont like it, i shall shut up and just wait for the day i can say 'i told you so' and have you agreeing with me. like how mummy waited to say it to me all the other times. this shall be another time. but this time, it wont be me she's saying 'i told you so' to, but to you.
im done with her 'i told you so's. and this time, binks and i, we'll not let her say it.

heartbeat

for that 30 seconds as i put my arms around his neck, let my head rest on his shoulders and as he placed his arms around my waist, as if reading each other's minds, our feet moved from side to side in tandem. we were slow dancing without any accompanying music. i closed my eyes hoping to savour that serene moment for as long as i could and smiled to myself as i smelt his familiar smell. it was a special moment i never wanted to end.

dancing together requires cooperation, compromise, submission, and unity which pretty much sounds like how a relationship ought to be. for us to be in sync with each other, we must first be willing to make some changes in our thinking and perhaps also in our attitudes. we need to accept that no matter how much we know, or we think we know, there are some things that the other party can be of assistance with and complement what we have. as i leaned against him, i knew that he will be my support and pillar of strength when things get tough, when i may not have the strength to carry on. just as in dancing whereby the guy leads and the woman follows, i know that in this relationship, i should learn to go with the flow and let him take the lead. as we moved, i got my cues from his movement and simply let myself follow his lead. we need to realise that we both need put down the cup of ego and pick up the cup of humility, both learning to submit and compromise sometimes.

many different moves are made in a relationship, but they are not always in sync with each other. if both parties are going in opposing directions or are unaware of each other, stepping on each other's toes will be inevitable. as in a relationship, we should remain aware of each other's needs and wants and not allow our selfish desires to ruin the beautiful dance. like how a good dancer is willing to learn so as to perform well, one's dance is affected by how much effort one puts in to accept change and make the necessary changes to enhance the relationship. If the dancer steps out of time, or makes a mistake, it is the responsibility of the dancer to accept, take ownership and rectify that wrong move in order to improve. as such, when one realises one's mistake, one should take the advise of the other party and continually learn to improve. the other party also has a part to play in remaining patient and guiding his/her partner so that their dance, as a couple, can be perfected, together.

you're appreciated

in the last three days, binks and i completed a "triathlon" with much difficulty, for me at least!
day 1: bike 27km (ONLY) in the scorching sun and searing heat - totally killed me.
day 2: swim 2km intervals (with long, random, otot rests)
day 3: run 8km macr (with much walking SIGH)

and tmr? run 10.5km macr. hopefully we both can do better than today.
what is this?? already starting our daily training regime for our planned competitions for 2013?? ok i'll admit it. im so excited!!

today, i experienced happiness i've not felt in a long while.

my whole afternoon and evening drained me mentally, physically and emotionally(yes, that too) especially after having to pay a cab fare of $32.70 and teaching a barbarian kid, the rain, the heavy books i had to carry, waiting for a stupid cab in the rain that never appeared till i took a bus to somewhere, the bad jam, reaching tuition late, only able to do 1.5h instead of 2h, equivalent to being paid less for the same time i took to travel there... the worst part? the thought of having to travel back home at 930pm. basically, it was murphy's law and it simply snowballed all the way. 

of coz when i received at text from binks that he was coming to pick me from tuition, i was the happiest person on earth. and i was so so thankful for his offer. in addition to that already unexpected gesture of his, he whipped out something so damn familiar to me. my phone. my cracked phone that was left unrepaired for 6 months. AND IT WAS FIXED. it was a totally unexpected and really really pleasant surprise (pleasant is so an understatement but i cant seem to find a nicer word that fits) that binks actually took my phone to the shop for repair without telling me AND pretending to be home the entire time.

IM SORRY I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE IN WORDS PROPERLY HOW I FELT. I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR MY LACK OF BETTER VOCAB. please go to a thesaurus and search for the word 'happy' and 'grateful'. im all of those. tyvm.

nites world. this happy keed is in desperate need of sleep.

thank you love.

new

i know everyone has already done their 2012 reflection. i needed a little more time to think it through.

2012.
a year with so much happiness, so much joy, so much fun, so many new experiences and so many awesome memories. yet, it is not without it's share of tears, sadness, anger, hurt, guilt, loss and pain. and the one, single, drastic, unexpected (apparently not so to others), life-changing moment, which i faced (and still am facing) a great difficulty deciding if it was a gain or loss. or could it be both? like.. a redox reaction... (i should stop nerd-talking huh.)

in any case, i know that even though there were struggles i had to face in 2012, God has been so faithful throughout and never gave up on me no matter how bad a person i was. this is the God i serve and im awfully proud of it. i may not live up to the idealistic christian expectations but He never stopped loving me. this, i am ever grateful for.

as for my2013 resolution (since everybody is doing it, i shall too. hahaha)...
this song just says it all. it is really the least i could do. yet, in this world, it is so difficult to achieve. which is probably how resolutions should be isnt it? difficult to achieve yet achieveable through effort.

Jesus at the center of it all
Jesus at the center of it all
From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You Jesus
Jesus

Jesus at the center of it all
Jesus at the center of it all
From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You Jesus
Jesus

Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
Jesus You're the center, everything revolves around You
Jesus You, at the center of it all
The center of it all

Jesus be the center of my life
Jesus be the center of my life
From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You Jesus
Jesus

Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
Jesus You're the center, everything revolves around You
Jesus You
Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
Jesus You're the center, everything revolves around You
Jesus You

From my heart to the Heavens
Jesus be the center
It's all about You
Yes it's all about You
[x4]

So Jesus be the center of Your church
Jesus be the center of Your church
And every knee will bow
And every tongue shall confess You Jesus, Jesus
Say His name, Jesus, Jesus...

From my heart to the Heavens
Jesus be the center
It's all about You
Yes it's all about You

talk

9plus - take the stage. it's all yours now. i'm the audience. convince me. because i'm sitting on the fence and the world is pulling me down.
to the side you're not at.

do i hold on tight and fight for u? or do i release my grip and let them win?

i hate rollercoasters?

Visited Jb yesterday. Had twice the fun at half the price heehee. Probably, the highlight of the 13h trip was roaming the pasar malam for about 2h looking at repeated and obviously imitation goods which looked so real. About 5h spent watching parental guidance (pretty ok if you like some comedy and some heart warming scenes put together. A typical family show, but I enjoyed it nonetheless) and jack reacher (apparently an action movie so was quite disappointed when there was too much talking and draggy storyline. Probably tried to develop it too much at the start. Other than that, not toooo bad, I guess)
Had a crazy tuition day today, 3 in a row total of 7h excluding travelling and might just have to get used to being this tired everyday. Well, one's gotta do what one's gotta do for the money huh.


[edit]
your fear hurts me.
just so you know.
it's not just my expectations. it's courtesy.
my feelings or your face? my feelings or your comfort zone?
how long are you going to "protect me" for?
in fact, this i get. i could understand where you were coming from. BUT nobody asked you to tell my whole life to someone i just met. just my name and nothing more would be a good start. a pretty simple thing to do, i would say.
putting whatever happened (or did NOT happen) aside, remorse was present (fine), i appreciate that. what i did not appreciate was how much settling this issue meant to you. you know what you did and i shall not let the world know. just know that that action/non-action (however one wants to look at it) was the last straw. especially after you said you will never do it again.
[/edit]

notes on what i've learnt:

take everything with a pinch of salt. sweet words are but words. actions mean so much more.

never waste your time/money/effort on things/ppl that wont reciprocate nor appreciate your effort. (not saying that you do everything with an expectation of a return)
just saying that.. sometimes, its better to care for something/someone that appreciates your caring and cares for you just as much. dont waste your time feeling sad/hurt when someone doesnt even care that you've been hurt by their actions. move on. smile. because such people shouldnt mean anything to you when there are so many others out there who loves you and appreciates you so much more.

one step back

today, clar is in a thankful mood.

i thank God for giving me something to look forward to every day, be it meeting awesome tuition kids, meals, time with friends, or time with binks... it keeps me going and i'm actually pretty excited to find out what's coming up for the year 2013. its going to be a crazily packed year which i'm very thankful for. as the saying goes, an idle mind is a devil's playground eh.

thank you for the cool pink helmet and for thinking of me when you saw it online.

thank God for friends that i can count on, spend time with and who, in return, make time for me. these are amazing people who support me and advise me when i need it. and i appreciate the long, retarded conversations we have very much (:
----------------------------------------------------------------

on another note, after some thinking and reflecting, taking a step back would be the most appropriate thing to do when we realise that we're taking each other for granted. we start finding ourselves spending too much time together so much so that it seems more of a routine and a necessity rather than a bonus.
of course, in a practical and economical sense, sometimes getting a lift/sharing a cab to a nearby tuition area or having tuition at the same time at the same place would mean having to meet. these are probably exceptions. other than that, there should be that.. that.. excitement and happiness when meeting, not just.. another time. if that's the aim, taking a step back would be the best move here.

PLUS. it's also a form of protecting myself from the disappointment after getting my hopes too high. especially in scenarios of last minute changes to plans.

am i brilliant or brilliant? :D

opening up

it has been a really awesome and exciting journey with you. a rollercoaster ride is quite an understatement of these few months. it's been so difficult, yet when we're together, everything seems so manageable. life seems so manageable. crap thrown at me doesnt feel so crappy. and i know that we can face this together and that you'll be there to stand up for me and protect me no matter what.

the only difficult thing for me to understand is how - the one person that can make you feel on the top of the world can also throw you all the way down into the deepest of valleys. one moment im grinning from ear to ear, and another, it feels like the world should just end there and then.

on new year's day, it finally hit me that, my expectations are all simply a summation of my past experience. this combination really makes it a challenge for me to settle for anything less. they tell me to never settle but are my expectations just too high? was what i've experienced just a honeymoon phase which we've already moved past from the situation we've been thrown into?

Sometimes i wish you'd just talk more to me. tell me what you're feeling without fearing that i'd be affected. i dont want us to be found in a catch-22 situation whereby you're afraid of telling me things, so you dont, and i find it difficult trust you because all i want is for you to open up to me.

i pray that one day you'll finally open up.

there's so much left to say but i just can't find it in myself to put it across coherently right now. it's all messed up in my head and i dont know where to start.

bottom line is that im really happy with you but there are many things we need to sort out before we take things any further. questions i need to answer: can you wait for him to open up? how long are you willing to wait? if he takes too long, can you live feeling horrible knowing he is not telling you everything? is he worth your wait?