alone

wow. it's been so long, i've actually forgotten how to sign in.

this week has been.. so difficult.
everything we had is slowly breaking apart. i dont even know what to say anymore. hoping your explanations would make everything better. i hope you put in some effort to help me understand.

all i asked for is ten seconds of your time for a simple msg before bedtime, and you couldnt even spare it for someone whom you claim you love? the 50h wait, the hoping you are alright and that nothing has happened to you, was really taking a toll on me even though it was only a few days. i couldnt do anything the entire time without worrying about you.

yet.

you do not understand.

serving God doesnt mean neglecting the people you love. yes, he wants your wholeheartedness in serving Him. but think about it, does that mean a pastor or a church leader is not entitled to having a family since spending time with the family would be "stealing" God's time?
God isnt that horrible. so please dont make Him out to be such an asshole.

i'm drained from the wait. just man up and give me a good explanation. really really tired from all the mind-fucking you've done.

call me an overly-attached/ overly-worried/untrusting gf, but really, all i expected was 10s to text me before heading to bed. if not, at least a text in the morning saying u were too tired and fell asleep. was that too difficult?
oh yes. i did the math coz i was too damn free. a text msg does not take one more that 20s especially if it is a simple "goodnight, see you soon. love you." message. maybe if you were an old man, with parkinsons then yes! i totally understand. you need a minute to do that. well, you are not that old man. so there, my nerdy calculations amounted to 0.0011574 or 0.11% of all the time you have in a day. (assuming you are not an exception and that your day is 24h just like the rest of us and not 18h)

in any case, i dont think it is that difficult for one to find 10s before bedtime to type a simple text, so that one's loved one does not need to be left waiting and worrying, holding the phone, keeping the phone nearby, and maximising the ringtone. it was never an issue of lack of trust. i knew you were busy and kept making excuses for you when everyone was telling me to forget it. please. put yourself in my shoes. imagine your spouse, who never failed to text you a goodnight message all these years and one fine day, decides to stop texting for a span of 4 days. would you worry? honestly, WOULD YOU?

i recently saw a book "he's just not that into you" and one of the chapters happened to be "..when he does not call". this is probably a book for people who aren't attached yet but i guess it sort of applies. it is a basic thing for one to do when one really cares about the other person and wants the other person to know that he/she is safe and sound AND thinking about him/her.

how you were able to leave me waiting and worrying for so long, really intrigues me and makes me question everything we've both done to make this rs work. it's not looking too good now. this episode broke everything we've built, including, my heart (which i've so naively let you have).

if anyone disagrees, please, feel free to comment and help me understand.
tyvm.